FUNNY COMEDIAN QUOTES

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeneres.

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." George Carlin.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" Paul Merton.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." Steve Martin.

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." Les Dawson.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..." Steven Wright

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." Marty Feldman.

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" Steven Wright

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " Charlie Brown.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." David Letterman.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." Jim Carrey.

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Emo Philips

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison.

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld.

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree." Spike Milligan

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Steven Wright

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." Mel Brooks.

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet." Henry Youngman.

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." Emo Philips

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." Steven Wright

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb." Freddie Starr.

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven." Spike Milligan

"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." Eric Morecambe.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest." Rowan Atkinson.

*** Groucho Marx ***

"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Here"

"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."

" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."

*** Dave Barry ***

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath."

"What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction."

"You can only be young once but you can be immature forever."

"There's no way to know for sure without finding out what a "kg" is, and my belief, as an American, is that if I have to start understanding the metric system, then the terrorists have won."

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

"I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness."

"I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn't know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation."

"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."

"Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain."

"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth."

"Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."

"The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: "There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia."

"I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding."

"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"

"American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors."

"When I purchase a food item at the supermarket, I can be confident that the label will state how much riboflavin is in it. The United States government requires this, and for a good reason, which is: I have no idea. I don't even know what riboflavin is. I do know I eat a lot of it. For example, I often start the day with a hearty Kellogg's strawberry Pop-Tart, which has, according to the label, a riboflavin rating of 10 percent. I assume this means that 10 percent of the Pop-Tart is riboflavin. Maybe it's the red stuff in the middle. Anyway, I'm hoping riboflavin is a good thing; if it turns out that it's a bad thing, like "riboflavin" is the Latin word for "cockroach pus," then I am definitely in trouble."

*** George Carlin ***

"Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter."

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"What year did Jesus think it was?"

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"

"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."

"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"

"If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?"

"If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it."

"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"On Opening Day, the President doesn't throw OUT the first ball. He throws it IN. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it."

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"Imagine how thick Japanese people's photo albums must be."

"Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?"

"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time."

"Swimming is not a sport, swimming is a way to keep from drowning! That's just common sense!"

"Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself."

"A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt."

"I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious."

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."

"How come none of these boxers seem to have a losing record?"

"Don't you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?"

"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Religion easily-has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money."

"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

"I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine."

"I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public."

"I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there."

"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."

"The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!"

"I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again."

"People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?"

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast."

*** George Burns ***

"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."

"At my age flowers scare me."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."

"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it."

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up."

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

"A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible."

"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman- or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

"I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it."

"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch."

"First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did."

"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

"If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it."

"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

"I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something."

"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now- I'm booked."

"I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left."

"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read."

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit."

"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."

*** Tommy Cooper ***

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

*** Denis Leary ***

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"

"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one F**king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!"

"Life sucks. Get a F**king helmet, okay?"

"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."

"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid!"

"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."

"I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture."

*** Oscar Wilde ***

"In married life three is company and two none." From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895.

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895.

"I can resist everything except temptation." From 'Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892.

"Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes." From 'Lady Windemere's Fan' 1892.

"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891.

"It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly." From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891.

"Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people." From 'Sebastian Melmoth' 1891.

"The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable." From 'A Woman of No Importance' 1893.

"I have nothing to declare except my genius."

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."

*** Spike Milligan ***

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."

"I speak Esperanto like a native."

"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."

"Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum."

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."

"You silly twisted boy."

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it ."

*** John Cleese ***

"Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited."

"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel, and incompetent comes naturally to me."

"If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking Do you want fries with that?"

"If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?"

"When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play, as well." (on the differences between Americans and the English)

"I used to desire many, many things, but now I have just one desire, and that's to get rid of all my other desires."

"Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies."

"The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip."

"The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack."

"Technology frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers - which is why almost no technology ever works."